Shorties

[drew]

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

[drew]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress;

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr gurrr king'.

[drew]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[drew]

A blonde texts her b/f saying "what does IDK stand for", He texts back "i don't know" She replies "OMG nobody does!"

[drew]

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

[drew]

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about i...t - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

[drew]

To understand what recursion is you must first understand recursion.

[Filuren]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.


I heard all the patients shouting, "13 ... 13 ... 13!"

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on ... and some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, "14 ... 14 ... 14!"

[Filuren]

What do skeleton say before they begin dining?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

Who won the skeleton beuty contest?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

Why are the fences around the cemetery?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

How does a witch tell time?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie?

Du måste logga in för att visa detta!

[Filuren]

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.


After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me ... and I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[Filuren]

Family


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep,"the wife replied, "in-laws."

[drew]

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress;

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we
are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said;

"Burrr gurrr king"

[drew]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father's day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started.

[drew]

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

Not a lot of farms in Detroit.