Shorties

[drew]

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[Filuren]

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

[drew]

Having a fast SAAB is like coming out of the closet
You might surprise people, but you're still gay.

[Filuren]

[Malvan]

The American said: - We have Barack Obama, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
The Swede said: - We have Fredrik Reinfeldt, no cash and no hope.

[Filuren]

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming and yelling like all the passengers in his car.

[Filuren]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

[Filuren]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

[Filuren]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

[_Bonnie_]

Oj oj oj....

[Filuren]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny! "What are 3, 4, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

[Filuren]

Boy Kittens and Girl Kittens
G-Rated

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,

"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

[Filuren]

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

[drew]

Ray Charles challenges Tiger Woods to a golf game for money
Woods says "You can't be serious. When?"
Ray says "pick a night."

[Filuren]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

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[Filuren]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length

[drew]

Newton,s 6th Law Of Motion: "Loose Motions can never be done in slow Motion"